That is a difficult title for me to write. Growing up with two brothers, competition was a way of life. However, in education, always trying to come out on top can ruin relationships.
I hated this scene when I was a kid. I rooted for Geena Davis (Dottie) the whole movie. I found Lori Petty (Kit) to be overly whiny. So when Dottie drops the ball in the final game, allowing Kit to win the title for Racine, I was devastated.
As I’ve grown older, and rewatched A League of Their Own, I understand and appreciate Dottie’s decision (yes, it was a decision) to drop the ball allowing Kit to become the hero.
So why did she do it? She did for Kit, but she also did it for herself.
Throughout the film, Kit is fragile, anxious, and diffident. Without Dottie, she would have never had the opportunity to play in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. Kit’s lack of self-confidence stems from living her life under the towering shadowing of her big sister. Dottie is well aware of this, because she sees it on Kit’s face… and Kit flat out tells her.
And what does Dottie have to gain from holding on to the ball? Sure, she costs her team the championship, but she could have lost her relationship with her sister. Seeing her husband safely return from the war, solidified that she had everything she needed, which did not include an All-American Girls Professional Baseball League Championship.
When faced with winning or doing the right thing, Dottie chose to do the right thing, and won in the end.
Sometimes the stress of school builds to a point where students and parents are seen as enemies, not allies. It is at these moments when administrators and teachers sometimes make the wrong decision to “win” instead of doing what is best for students.
Every teacher has a late policy. It could be a school policy, a grade level policy, or a team policy. Often students sign contracts (parents too) at the beginning of the year stating that they read and understand said policies.
There will come a point during the school year when a student has a legitimate reason why he did not complete an assignment. That teacher will have a legitimate signed contract that shows the student understood the late policy and has now violated it.
What should the teacher do?
If they are currently viewing the student as the enemy, they may choose to dig their heels in and “win.” And why not? They have the signed contract to back their position.
But, if they see this as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship, they may choose to work with the student. Ultimately, creating a plan with the student to finish the assignment is a win for both the student and the teacher.
As an administrator there are times when you face similar scenarios with parents. A parent might have not completed the paperwork for their child to apply for Student Council, failed to pay the deposit for a class field trip, or missed the deadline to waive their child up to a higher math course.
Being the amazing principal that you are, I am sure that you sent out several reminders to parents about these events. You probably posted information on your website, tweeted out details, or advertised them through your PTA.
Should you stick to whatever information was shared like it was set in stone? Or do you need to bend a little bit? At the end of the day you know what is best for the child.
One might argue that once a deadline has passed, there is nothing that can be done. I think that is nonsense. In my experience there is almost nothing that can’t be done to accommodate for missed opportunities.
Helping parents, especially when they know that they made a mistake, is a golden way to unite the school and the home.
Dottie chose her sister over winning the championship. I hope you choose students over “winning.”
Educators recognize that communication between school and home is essential for student success. One of the most common goals teachers and administrators set for themselves at the beginning of the year is to make more parent phone calls. However, sometimes our conversations with parents are not as fruitful as they can be and concentrating on depth rather than breadth might be a more worthy goal.
*This video contains graphic language*
Robin Williams (Patch Adams) admits himself to a hospital so that he can work through his emotional and psychological struggles. In this scene he becomes frustrated that his doctor does not seem to care, or pay attention to what he is going through.
Patch, after helping his roommate the previous night, comes to his doctor invigorated and with a sense of purpose. He knows exactly what he wants to do. He wants to help people. Patch says, “I want to listen. I want to really listen to people.”
The juxtaposition of Patch needing someone to listen to him, and not having it, and seeing what can happens when you really do listen to someone (his roommate), opens his eyes to the power of human connections.
A popular question asked in teacher interviews is, “How do you communicate with parents?” Candidates frequently respond by sharing that they like to call home, and not just when there is a concern, but for positive reasons as well.
This is not an incorrect response. In fact, this is the answer a lot of administrators are looking for. It is valuable to call home to share the great things students are doing in schools.
However, I think that the answer is missing something. We all know that there will be times for teachers and administrators when we have to call with unpleasant news. Whether it is academic or behavior related, there are going to be times when we have to make the difficult call. So what does that phone call sound like?
More often than not the format of the phone call looks like this:
Again, nothing wrong with the conversation, but it is incomplete. It is not a two-way conversation. We are dictating to the parent what we think of their child, what they did, and what we need them to do.
We say that it takes a village to raise a child. In order to involve the whole village we need to ask the right questions. And when we ask the right questions, we need to “really listen.”
What are the right questions? After explaining the concern to the parent, here are a few questions that can garner great information.
Asking these questions does two things: provides valuable insight into the problem with possible solutions and builds a partnership with the parent so that they know we are in this together, on the same team.
I am not saying that we are all like the doctors from Patch Adams. But sometimes we do everything we can to get off the phone as quickly as possible, because it is uncomfortable to have tough conversations and open ended questions can lead to a conversation that we haven’t fully scripted in our heads. When we do that we are missing a golden opportunity to show our humanity, connect with our families, and learn about our students.
Let us do our best to really listen to parents and avoid “Sucking at it,” as Patch so eloquently states.
“Education is cyclical, the same professional development always comes around again.” “Don’t worry about this initiative, there will be a new one next year.” “The person who came up with this policy will only be here another 6 months, let’s just ride it out.” If you work in education, you have either heard or spoken one of the above statements. Sometimes it is easy to get caught in the negative talk. However, when you approach everything from the perspective that it won’t last or it won’t work, you will never grow.
*This video contains graphic language*
Tom Hanks (Forrest Gump) has enlisted in the United States Army. Here we see him going through boot camp as an exemplary soldier. When asked what his sole purpose in the army is, he responds, “To do whatever you tell me drill sergeant.” The drill sergeant is blown away by this answer. So much so that he calls Private Gump “a genius” and “gifted.”
In the second scene Private Gump is asked another question, “Why did you put that weapon together so quickly Gump?” Gump’s simplistic response is, “You told me to drill sergeant.”
Forrest Gump’s trust in the United States Army, and his commanding officers, enables him to have a successful military career and earn the Medal of Honor.
Is the takeaway that every principal should do exactly what the superintendent says? Every teacher should blindly follow their principal? Every student needs to take a teacher’s word as gospel? Absolutely not. This is an oversimplified example of the benefits of trust. That is the beauty of Forrest Gump. The movie tackles a lot of challenging topics through the simplistic perspective of Forrest.
Unfortunately, I believe that sometimes we have swung too far in the direction opposite of Forrest. We question. We dig our heels in. We gossip. We dispute. We complain.
If we ever want to break free from working at an average school and making average progress, it is imperative that we take risks. We cannot hope to eliminate achievement gaps and develop independent thinkers and conscious citizens by doing things the same way we always have.
But, people are comfortable with doing what they have always done. When we hear that we are trying something new or going in a different direction, we get scared. Scared because we don’t know what the results will be. Scared because it might take a little bit more work or force us to do more self-reflection.
And negativity is contagious. Nothing slows or stops an initiative faster than people openly, or behind doors, criticizing the new direction a school decides to take. Often, that pessimistic bandwagon seems a lot bigger, more comfortable, and entertaining than the optimistic one. The teachers who are willing to trust and try something different feel outnumbered and outmatched.
Imagine what a school could accomplish if the whole staff was open to new ideas and trusted each other to take risks. Not only could you create real change, you could breed innovation and creativity. Educators would be far more comfortable sharing ideas if they knew they would be received with support and passion.
Imagine what a classroom could accomplish if the students were open to new ideas and trusted each other to take risks. Not only could you create real change, you could breed innovation and creativity. Students would be far more comfortable sharing ideas if they knew they would be received with support and passion. (See what I did there).
It is about changing our mindset so that instead of discounting any new idea, we embrace it. Not every initiative is going to be successful. But, we will never be successful if we confine ourselves to the comfort of what we have always done. Hey, it worked for Forrest.
Making an effort to connect with your students can have a meaningful impact on the relationships you form. And we all know relationships are the foundation for any great school.
*This video contains graphic language*
Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Adam) does not know if he will survive his cancer diagnosis in the 2011 film 50/50. His best friend, Seth Rogen (Kyle), is with him every step of the way.
In this scene things finally come to a head for Adam. Frustrated and uncertain about his fate, Adam berates Kyle for his selfish actions. Up to this point Kyle has seemingly ignored the potential death sentence of Adam’s cancer diagnosis. Kyle’s focus has remained on the stereotypical concerns of a mid-twenties male.
However, when Adam drops his inebriated friend off at his apartment he notices something while washing up. A copy of the book Facing Cancer Together is in the bathroom. Not only does he discover the book, but sees several dog-eared pages. With no dialogue we learn that Kyle’s actions were not self-centered. He was trying to distract Adam from constantly focusing on his own mortality. Kyle was ensuring that if it were in fact Adam’s final months, he was going to enjoy them.
There are times when connections come easy for teachers and students. A physical education teacher will often form relationships with athletically inclined students because they share a common love for sports. Band teachers will gravitate towards students with a passion for playing music. Students with a love for the Civil War can often talk with social studies teachers for extended periods of time.
It is most challenging to make connections when there is no common interest, but sometimes these situations can yield the most impressive results. In these cases, books and music are two easy ways to start building a connection.
Education is constantly changing. One thing that does not change is that adolescents love listening to music. The artists and genres are not the same from 20 or even 5 years ago, but the passion and opinions about music remain as powerful as ever. It is impossible to walk in any middle or high school in the country and not notice students transitioning with their AirPods in.
Students are more than happy to share the names of artists and songs they are listening to. One thing they do not expect is for teachers to go out and actually listen to their music. But in doing so, a teacher may accomplish two important things; the teacher might learn something about his student and he might form a meaningful connection with that student.
It is difficult to get into the psyche of a middle schooler. Often, adults choose to block out that period of time from their lives. And even if they could remember, a lot has changed. By listening to the lyrics of current musicians, teachers get a glimpse into some of the social and emotional issues students are facing. Additionally, everyone has a social media presence. In taking the time to explore popular musicians on Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter you may be able to uncover some of the issues they are speaking about or against. Often, students steal their ideas and perspectives from the musicians they listen to.
There is certainly no guarantee that teachers will enjoy the same music that their students are listening to. But, when you make the effort to listen, you are able to intelligently speak with your students about the music. You are able to ask specific questions about songs and bands. Even if you do not love the music, students will notice and appreciate the effort that you are making.
Another area where administrators and teachers can connect with students is through literature. It is extremely easy to go to the media center and ask the media center specialist what are the most checked out books. Because young adult novels are so easy to read, an educator can quickly go through the most popular selections.
Just like you see students with AirPods transitioning from class to class, it is easy to pop into the cafeteria and see students reading off in the corner. To be able to go up to a student who is reading and make a comment about the book they are reading (because you have read the book) will shock and amaze a student. That comment will sometimes lead to you making book recommendations to the student and better yet that student making book recommendation for you.
Books and music are just two examples of ways to connect with your students. There are countless other interests that students immerse themselves in. You do not need look very hard to find out what they are. Even though you might not understand how those books or music speak to your students (just like Kyle could never understand what it was like for Adam to be dealing with cancer), your students will appreciate the time and energy you are putting in to making stronger connections with them.
The emotional toll education takes on teachers makes balance essential to a happy career and a happy life.
Rocky last post and now Mr. Miyagi. The venerable Socrates and Plato of the modern era. Both use combat sports (boxing and karate) as the vehicle to bestow wisdom to their sons (for Daniel, Mr. Miyagi is the father figure he lacked his entire life).
Pat Morita (Mr. Miyagi) has just given Ralph Macchio (Daniel) a new car for his birthday. Mr. Miyagi sees how excited Daniel is, but senses something is still troubling him. Daniel shares that he is worried about the upcoming karate tournament.
Mr. Miyagi reminds Daniel of a prior karate lesson on the importance of balance. He shares that balance is not only critical for success in the tournament, but also in life. Handing Daniel a picture of his girlfriend is a reminder that there is more to life than the karate tournament. And, when you focus too much on one area it leads to stress and worry.
Every day teachers invest time, energy, and their hearts into supporting the academic and social emotional needs of their students. It is an incredibly rewarding profession, but also an incredibly draining profession. If a teacher is unable to balance school and their personal life, it is impossible for them to sustain the wonderful things they are doing in the classroom.
There are definite highs in education: establishing trusting relationships with students that allow them to take risks, creating unique learning experiences that engage the most reluctant of learners, collaborating with colleagues to capitalize on the strengths of the whole. The list goes on and on. But, there are times when relationships fail, lessons bomb, and colleagues choose to work in isolation. It is during these moments when balance is most critical.
Every setback is amplified when it is all you have. Without balance there is no avenue to rebound, reset, and refocus. You fester. You stew. You doubt yourself.
Often the best way to recover from a failure is to turn your attention to something else. That something could be family, a hobby, a budding interest…anything. Focusing outside of education does two things: allows you to find joy and gives your brain the time it needs to process and reflect.
When you come home from school and the day, or week, has not gone as planned, it is important to have something to pick you up. You need an escape. You need something that will take your mind off of the problems of the day. You need something to look forward to. As a teacher, it is a necessity to find that something or somethings, because it is too much to put all you happiness eggs in your teacher basket.
Having an escape not only provides joy, but it gives the much needed time away from a recent road block. With time, your brain has time to process what happened, why it happened, and ways to make adjustments moving forward. When you try to fix a problem at school right after it happens, you can easily be either too emotional or too close to it to identify potential solutions.
An administrator’s need for balance is equally important. Because a principal’s job contains such a variety of components, it can be challenging to leave work at work. A “to do” list is often playing on loop in your head. Sometimes you have to tell yourself, occasionally out-loud, to stop thinking about school.
Family and hobbies are two areas suggested earlier to help live a balanced life. An additional one, that is extremely valuable for administrators, is having a group of supportive friends. It would be great to have friends work in professions outside of education, so that the conversations do not constantly revolve around school. However, people tend to gravitate towards those in similar professions, because they spend time together and often share common beliefs.
A principal having other principal friends can be extremely beneficial. A principalship can be lonely, so having friends who face the same challenges is comforting. You never have to say, “But, you don’t understand,” because they do.
One important note to remember is not to let school conversations dominate when you are meeting up with friends outside of school. Remember it is all about balance, and you do not want the lines between school and friends to blur. Otherwise, when things are going poorly at school, you will not want to meet up with friends either.
Deliberately look for things not school related to share with friends. Be the one who suggests a new restaurant to eat at, sporting event to attend, or show to binge watch together. Your administrator friends will thank you, because even though they understand the importance of balance, they might not always make the choices to live balanced.
Educators experience highs and lows. When you hit a rough patch, having balance allows you to ride out the low times and get you back to what you do best…changing lives!